I'm a member at another forum and saw this interesting topic by Valmont. I thought to repost it here to get some different perspectives and viewpoints flowing..

"It's typical in North America for adults to send their parents off to a 'care facility' when they are no longer to fend for themselves due to senility or immobility brought on by age.

I was just wondering what some of you are planning, or have already done, with your aging parents, and what your thoughts are about it. I'm especially interested in how your Asian upbringing has affected your decision, since many Asians 'keep' their old parents under their roof until they die. Do you consider it an emotional 'betrayal' to send off the two people who spent decades raising you? Or is it not a real consideration?"

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It's extremely rare to see an asian old person in home for the aged in Switzerland. Sometimes I only see the white or asian spouses but not the two of them. I think asians just feels at ease when they are still at their own roof because of familiarity and specially family members, that they consider their own treasure. For asians family is very important. And asian people tend to have a big family. So they get very emotional when thinking of moving away from their loved ones. Oppossed to europeans who tend to have less family members and some european people I know in some home for the aged has no kids. I still haven't think about anything about my aging parents, this will come later because my parents are still at their late 40's .

I don't think I could put my parents in a retirement home or anything like that. I know they don't want that.

My mother is the opposite. She feels that I wouldn't have enough time or energy to take care of her when she gets older. Plus she knows how strict I am when it comes to planning a meal and not straying from the diet or making her exercise as it is. She has already expressed to me she doesn't want me to take care of her. She feels she won't have the freedom she enjoys now even if that would not be the case. She has told me point blank where she wants to go. Who am I to tell her differently. I have let her know that I would love to have her in my house, but she is very steadfast on her decision.

I am going to take care of my mom until she pass away. That's at least I could do to repay for what she did for me.

in my family the parents get taken care of, and nursing homes are looked down upon. lol my mom already has me taking care of her in some ways lol i run all her errands for her i clean her house because she works so much and i come over and didnt get her a sweet tea from mcdonalds she gives me a guilt trip, but i dont mind it i feel its the least i could do and when she gets old and crazy ill have have her living with me

Putting my mom in a "home" is the last thing I would do. I mean, my mom and I sometimes joke about putting her in one, like the one Dorothy put her mom, Sophia, in called Shady Pines, from the tv show Golden Girls. But I would never do it seriously.

I see older people walking the streets alone or working in McDonalds and I think I would never let my mom be in that situation. I know some people enjoy and want their independence but too many have to get a job because they don't have any savings and/or the check (pention, social security, or whatever) they receive isn't enough to support them.

Have some of your heard how some stores started refusing to sell cat food to the elderly because some of the elderly were buying it to eat themselves since it was cheaper than buying regular food. That upsets me so much. Also the fact that some homes abuse the people or are so understaffed that they neglect the elderly. Yes there are homes that are like apartment complexes more than care facilities but how many can afford that.

Of course if a person wants to put their parent(s) into a facility or the parent wants to go, then do so but some advise-research/dig up the history of the place to make sure it is worth staying in.

Well that is my two cents.

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I just can't help myself. Risk it all with me.

For me it's not a hypothetical. I quit my job and we moved in with my in-laws while my mother in-law lost her battle with cancer. It wasn't just me, we cared for her at home as a family. Though it's tough to have someone dying in the house mainly because you have to simultaneously do "mundane" things like eating, cleaning, shopping, sleeping there's no alternative. Death, while frightening, is natural. This will sound silly but I prayed nightly to be able to add some of my life years to her... I know, stupid, right?

But here's my advice, especially to you who will be in the position of caregiver. Live as normally as you can while, create as many memories as you can. Expect to see and clean up vomit, blood and diarrhea often and learn to do it casually to avoid showing fear. Expect to see disease and decline but learn to interact with your parents as they were at their strongest. Bring new things, new foods, gossip, magazines, anything to distract and keep the spirit up. Learn to put your fear of death in general, death in progress and seeing a corpse aside so you can provide love and closenessto the very end and beyond.

And rise to occasion for the surviving parent because mom or dad will need you. Find out what the local laws are on keeping mom or dad at home after time of death. Some Buddhist traditions dictate that the body be allowed to rest to allow the spirit to find its way. We did this. Be sure you can handle this happening in the house. Do NOT lose it in front of anyone. Lose it later in private.

Other advice, Hospice is a wonderful service if you need it. Wonderful people, can't say enough good about them. Very kind. Very knowledgeable.

If you're the daughter in-law in question see if you can't take the burden of funeral arrangements off of husband and dad's hands. Yes, it's hard on you too but it's harder on them. Guys aren't always ready to articulate when they need help.

Accept food from your "aunts" and "uncles" it's how they're going to show they care and express grief. Keep up the ties to close families. Essentially, there comes a time in our lives when we're the generation that's going to lead. I know we're all technically still kids a lot later than by Western standards but unless catastrophe hits early and unexpectedly you'll slowly grow into it. At first you find yourself helping parents make more decisions, then you find the first year you start making some New Year food yourself instead of just eating. Our parents had to do this as well it happens for every generation.

People I know handle it a variety of ways. Some of the parents are very active and prefer to live close by the kids and grandkids but still independent. That's usually how we do it in Taiwan. We get together at wai-gung's place for meals but one aunt lives at the same apartment. Here in the US we'll probably keep a joint house with my father in-law and he'll semi-retire in Taiwan half a year.

I digress. The point is to key into how our parents are doing and what they need. They may even need some personal space for independence even though you're ready for them to move in. But when the time does come for you to see them through that last transition, trust that you will be equal to the task.

Decide how you want to incorporate traditions. For example, on Mother's Day we first clean the gravestone and bring some favorite flowers then do a little life affirming family time. We want our son to know his grandmothers in life more strongly than in death but he must also pay his respects in hopes that one day he'll understand.

Last comment, make a lot of money. As with everything else optimal solutions are often much more expensive.

Beautiful Post

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