WARNING: This thread contains a heavy amount of cursing. Readers' discretion advised.

So, this is another random comedy thread. I guess this can come off real funny, but it wasn’t funny to me when I was going through this. I thought about posting this in Guy Talk forum, but oh no, that would be an injustice. It would be wrong because there are so many females out there that deserve to laugh at me for this short spur of challenge in my life.

Apparently in our country, being an Asian man in his prime means that: 1. He wears funny thick glasses that makes him look dorky// 2. He is book-smart //3. He has a small (BEEEEP)// 4. And he plays video/computer games. Alright, I do wear thick glasses when no one is watching me, and I am book-smart. Well, almost. I am not changing my anatomical size to match the stereotype (and I am proud of it that way too!!). But I never played much games. Sure, I would pick up a copy here and there with some of these things called RPGs and I would click my ways out till mid-game or even at the early game. Then I would quit. Never finishing one. I just couldn’t do it.

So, about a week ago, while I was roaming in the Circuit City store to find myself a decently priced digital camera (still searching), I saw a computer game on the display called Crysis. That’s right. It is Crysis with an y, not an “i.” It sounds COOL. So many people talked about it, and so many people go crazy about this game. Sure, I will give it a shot, I thought. I am so different from what most people expect of me by the social stereotype that occasionally, my non-Asian friends ask me: “Yo, Fade, are you a mix?!” So for once, I wanted play upto my stereotype just for shi*s and giggles. Besides, when I am around some of my Asian friends, I have nothing to say when they talk about video games. This will totally solve my problem.

So I went home, installed the game on my computer and started playing. A fancy opening screen. Amazing what they can do with technology now days. The game started, and it is supposed be about a story of an U.S Special force protagonist doing some secret mission in…North Korea?? Great, so I will be shooting my fellow Koreans in this game. So there it went. Well, while I was running in the jungle, I suddenly hear these guys cuzzing in Korean. It was such an old and vernacular way of cursing that I started laughing. I guess most American players don’t get to enjoy that part. My hands went from my keyboard to my belly to stop it from contracting so hard while laughing. And then suddenly I hear this loud yelling in gun sound, followed by my character falling. Dead like a tree.

Alright, I was off my guard because I was laughing, but now I will be more serious, I thought. I am gonna kill these commis! But it…well…wasn’t exactly going as I thought. In my second run, while I am frantically running and killing these soldiers, and just when I am about to say “yeah, I am goddam* good,” I suddenly hear this clink clink sound. I look around and…oh, it is a grenade. Boom. Darn, I just exploded into smitherans. Click. Reload. This time, I was gonna be smart and hide in a thick building while fighting. About a half minute past, I suddenly hear a really loud car coming. I peep out, and oh no, it isn’t a car. It is a fuc*ing TANK. Boom! All the walls suddenly fall of in the room, and now I find myself standing in the middle of a building…with no walls. Loud gun sounds again, and I am dead. Those North Koreans can really shoot.

I repeated this cruel punishment to my digital character in the game, a punishment I say, since if someone else played, the poor soul wouldn’t have died so much. Reload. Reload. Reload. And Reload. The realization finally sank in: I SUCK ASS IN THIS GAME. After about an hour, I got so pissed I forcefully pulled off the power plug from my innocent desktop computer and ran out into the living room. I sat on the couch, with both hands tearing my hair like a man who has been constipated for a week on his toilet, straining like a mother, forcing to release all the stress and waste, but not quite possible, because the sphincter muscle is out of control. This game was so hard. I am serious. I mean, I DIDN’T KNOW A FREAKIN VIDEO GAME COULD BE SO STRESSFUL. Give me an European modern philosophy, and I will write my essays. Give me a medical journal and I will read, learn, and analyze. BUT THIS VIDEO GAME THING WAS NOT MY SHIT.

After days of toiling, I had to suck it up to my ego and face the fact: I need help. So one day, after I worked out in my gym, I just drove a block and went to the Circuit City store again. I grabbed the help book for this game, and with a full embarrassment in my face and with an attempt to hide the book I am holding, I ran to the cash register. Oh, and imagine what this cash register guy was thinking when he saw me, a somewhat muscular Korean guy, sweating profusely with his underarmor shirts and shorts on, with a…Crysis WALKTHROUGH book in his hand. Yeah, it doesn’t even say a cool name like a “strategy guide.” It says WALKTHROUGH. I mean c’mon, its like I am 5 years old again because I need a walkthrough!

Oh, and this kid on the register was a real jerk too, I thought. Scrawny, long-fingered, pop belly. This kid could probably pawn this game…and soon as I thought that, he looked at what I was buying, and said, “Dude, you seriously need THAT?” Well, fu*k you kid, you are not gonna be 18 forever. One day, you will grow old, become jaded 23 years old like me with an utter degeneration of primary motor cortex skills in fingers to play the dam* videogames, and you will be sorry. YOU WILL BE REAL SORRY KID. Well, at least, in my dream.

I finished the game somehow. In most reviews, it says the game offers 7 to 10 hours of single play game. For me though, it took me like 5 days. I learned some serious lesson from this experience. Video game is really challenging. Now whenever some nerdy guy says he beat GTA or something for the fourth time, I know he is quick-witted, determined, and sharp. Now I have about the same respect for these gaming gurus as much as I have for my Existential philosophy professors from my undergrad. Well, almost.

Rather a long rant, I suppose. See you later guys.
FadeAway

hey Fade, did you know there is help online for video games? I'm sorry to hear that its so painful. It takes me a month if not more to finish a video (and that's after i've been playing it over and over for almost a year, if not more...) I can never do shooting games. Hell, Mario Bros Donkey Kong, those were my worst ones! Besides games that require a bit of thinking, i suck at all of them pretty much. Hope that makes you feel better...PS, have you tried searching for a Crysis forum online?

__________________
Once you go Asian, you'll never go caucasian

Hmm, maybe stick with tetris and pac man... the timeless classics.

.

stick to games that require brains rather than eye-hand coordination. eg. simcity, civilisation, rpgs, pokemon (jk lol), myst, etc

Tetris rocks!

tetris gets friggin hard after like level 7-8.