It's been over a year since I broke up with my ex. It was a hard break up because we were head over heels for each other, but in the end he decided he couldn't leave his family obligations in Japan and I couldn't see myself giving up my life in Canada, either.

So now I'm moving across the country to chase my (career) dream, and I thought I'd give him a call and let him know. It was the best thing I could've done: although he was obviously happy to hear from me, he was quite unsupportive of my decision, and I realized that although we did have a great romantic relationship, our values/lifestyles are far too different for us to have gotten over the hurdles of everyday life. (The fact that we couldn't get past the where-to-live dilemma should've been a clue...)

Anyway, his objections to my decision were partly because of his culture, and partly because of his own personality. His objections were:

1. I was taking too great of a risk moving cities without a job offer in hand

2. I was being too snobby/picky/selfish by wanting to move to a bigger city with better options -- why couldn't I just find something nearby and then learn to like it, even if it wasn't my dream job?

3. I was aiming too high and asking too much. (Kind of related to #2.)

My answers were:
1. I have a lot of connections there and there are far more jobs in my field; it's important for me professionally to make the move, and once I'm there, it will be easier to find work locally.

2. I agree with him that you shouldn't chase a certain profession/company/city just because it's bigger or has a famous reputation, but I think he's missing the point: I don't want to move to a bigger place because I think it's better than my hometown; I want to move because there are more opportunities for me to do what I love.

3. North American society is individual-centered, whereas Japanese society is more group-centered. It's very Western of me to expect to be able to choose a company I like, rather than allow the company to pick me. I tried to explain that I need to see how far I can go -- then if I fail, I'll at least know for sure that it wasn't possible.

It felt good to talk to him, because as I tried to explain my reasoning, I finally accepted that we just weren't right for each other. I feel like now I can stop looking back, and keep my eyes on the road ahead instead. Wish me luck!

Good luck Eggie! and you know in a few months you'll have a girl to sip coffee and talk with, cry with, and pretty much be there for you, so you're not alone in a new city totally. Plus I'm sure there's others from TO too who'd hang with you, North? North take her to subway dammit! as for a job, i can relate, i'll end up doing pretty much the same thing. I've got some stuff in the mix that will offer income over a period of time but it will be kinda shakey at first I think. The apartment I'm buying needs alot of work done to it, including a new wall (water damage) and new plumbing, so it's not going to be cheap to repair. sigh but I got a good deal on it.

I think we all go through a period of self-examination after a relationship, which is healthy, but it often clouds us to the reality of the other person.

We see our mistakes, our faults, and we forget how the other person factored into the problems. The other person gets put on a pedastal while we beat ourselves up for our own failings. If we let it, it can cause us to remain stuck.

For me, I go back and forth, angry at myself, angry at him, hurt over the loss, then finally after this cycle may continue for a while, clarity, acceptance and finally moving on.


Rebounds usually fall in between the cycle and clarity.

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Good Luck! I did pretty much the same thing you did: back in 1995 I moved from a small town in California to Portland, Oregon, without much of a plan other than the school I would be attending ... and it's the best decision I ever made. I had a lot of negativity thrown my way, as well as guilt (because of my daughter, who was just out of preschool at the time). Life's an adventure--treat it as such!

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For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Good luck Eggie. I found the contrasting worldviews between the two of you very interesting.

It really is a great feeling to finally realize that you are over your ex. I'm happy for you in all your success and I hope that when the right guy comes around that he will fall in love with all your strength and weaknesses and bring out the best in you!

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Thanks for the support everyone!

Call 416 393 INFO. I'm sure they do a much better job than me.

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